Waiting to Live: My first ‘Inspiration Monday’ flashfic.

22 Sep
Kobra Kyle sat on the windy pierhead, drinking ale and ruminating on cold consequences. Chiquida, his copperplated palm-pilot, had climbed out of his coat pocket and wandered over to a couple of black crested gulls, who were fighting over half a bloatfish.
Daggerhand Dave finally turned up, folded himself into a sitting position beside Kobra and dangled his gimpy legs over the pier.
‘I’ve got fresh juice for you,’ he said.
‘Thanks,’ said Kobra, taking the unspent silver hydropump and screwing it into his rusting wrist socket. The colour from his face melted from red to grey. He opened his eyes.
‘We found her,’ said Daggerhand. The wind whipped his coat into sudden schizoid shapes. Chiquida, the palm-pilot, atomized the fighting gulls with its Gauss magnet. The small red mist of their remains dissipated into the gale.
Kobra Kyle turned to his partner with wide, alert skyblue eyes. ‘How much uptime on a borrowed heart?’ he said. ‘How long?’ Chiquida came over to nuzzle his antenna against his master’s beard, making tinny ‘tweedle’ sounds.
Daggerhand Dave took the other Guardian’s hand in his, and, with a subtle shake of the head said, ‘Kobra, my brother, must you proceed down this path? It is a long afterlife, waiting to live.’

Thank you for reading. I have used all five Inspiration Monday prompts from BeKindRewrite, and it has forced me to write outside the box. Which is great. I hate being inside the box. It’s dark, I can’t stretch my legs, and it’s starting to smell.

If there’s anything you don’t like, please please let me know. Punish me.

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6 Responses to “Waiting to Live: My first ‘Inspiration Monday’ flashfic.”

  1. oscarjamieson September 25, 2012 at 12:18 am #

    Interesting read, though I can’t tell if they’re bionic and looking for human parts to survive, or vice versa. Well-written though, great steampunk-y vibe to it.

    Keep up the good work!

    Like

  2. bekindrewrite September 25, 2012 at 12:53 am #

    Ah! Now I can confidently tell you that you have nothing to be ashamed of! I like the style of this, the occasional alliteration, the feeling that this is a small part of a much bigger story, the rich world you have painted in few words.

    Things you might tweak: I’d switch the actions in the first sentence so it reads “Kobra Kyle sat on the windy pierhead, drinking ale and ruminating on cold consequences.”
    And I’d probably say “black crested gulls, who were fighting over half a bloatfish.” But I think that’s all!

    Also, STEAMPUNK! Anyone who writes steampunk automatically gets a million extra awesome points, because I adore it. XD

    Welcome to InMon, Jack! I look forward to reading more of your stuff!

    Like

    • jackkastor September 26, 2012 at 3:07 am #

      I love getting suggestions for improvement! Thank you, I have changed the parts you mentioned, it really does flow better that way.

      Expect more steampunk. 🙂

      Like

  3. elmowrites September 25, 2012 at 5:20 pm #

    Welcome to InMon! I have no idea what you’re writing about but I enjoyed it anyway. This felt like part of a much bigger story with characters and backstory I should know!
    One little tweak from me (I’m a compulsive critiquer, what can I say?!)
    “Daggerhand Dave finally turned up, folding himself into a sitting position beside Kobra and dangling his gimpy legs over the pier.” I’d change to “folded” and “dangled” otherwise it sounds like he just appeared in that form. Unless, of course, he did just appear…

    Like

    • jackkastor September 26, 2012 at 3:10 am #

      Thank you, Elmo! I have a ‘thing’ for creating a big world in a small space, and I am delighted that my intention came across. A compulsive critiquer will always be welcome here, I thrive on feedback. I have made the changes you suggested, it does make more sense that way.

      Many thanks!

      Like

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